Thursday, 9 October 2014

Just stalked your bro and his gf on Instagram and I immediately regretted doing so. Why is that so? Because I can't help but to wonder how things would have turned out to be if we are still together now.

5 years ago, I got to know you because we had mutual friends. Looking back, so much has changed. They are no longer people that I talk to or hangout with anymore, even though they may still be considered as my friends. I wonder if your friendship with them has changed over the years, too.

5 years ago, I was still that fat and ugly me. Immature and childish - I was a total kid back then. I can't really remember many things from then, probably because I chose not to remember them. But one thing for sure is, I knew that I hated myself. I hated the thought of being alive. Because things were so tough for me, that all I wanted was to die.

However, I got to know you. You came into my life. I forgot how, but somehow we became really close. You became my brother, my confidant, my everything. Slowly, you became someone really important to me. I don't even know how it happened, but it happened.

Getting back home from school everyday, all I looked forward to doing was to go online on MSN so that I could talk to you. But going online was tough, because my parents were strict as hell. This made me treasure the time we spent talking on MSN even more. I'd try my best to go online just so that I can talk to you, even if that means that I have to quarrel with my parents. You were always online, so it became a norm for me to see you online when I was online. When you were not online, a part of me felt disappointed and all I did was to wait for you to come online. However, at times you didn't come online at all. And that made me felt pretty horrible, I'd say.

I may not remember the other things in detail, but I remember very vividly how we got together. A week before Thanksgiving 2009, which was on the 5th of Sep, I confessed to you. I forgot if it was in person or thru text, but I think it was thru text since I'm someone who wouldn't have the balls to do it in person. I forgot what I said, but I know that on the day of Thanksgiving, which was 12th Sep 2009, we got together. I didn't really know what to feel, I guess? Since it was my very first rs, and it was the very first time someone accepted my feelings for them.

I really can't remember much, but I know that we didn't last for long. 3 months plus was how long our rs lasted. It wasn't long at all. I can't remember what happened, but I know it was my fault. I initiated the breakup. And I forgot why. But I know that I've hurt you badly. Because you really loved me. I really didn't know what I did in my past life to deserve you. Why would you date a girl that was like me? Fat and ugly. When you could've gotten someone better.

A year passed. It was torturing for the both of us. I cried and cried, even though I was the one who caused all of it. You were hurt, and you wanted to die because you lost me. But somehow, we got back together. I forgot when, but I know it was during the end of 2011, when I was in Sec 3. Once again, it only lasted for 3 months plus. I think my rs have a 3-month curse, lol. Anyway, moving on... this time round, I've brought you hurt once again. I've hurt you again and again. But I don't know why you agreed to patch things up with me and to give me another chance. I'm sorry, I really am. I swear it was because I was too young, and too immature to know how to deal with my feelings, that's why. Or maybe not. Maybe it's simply because I'm too damn fickle-minded when it comes to my feelings... Anyway, I am sorry. I really am...

I remember how I used to be angry and upset with you because I thought you didn't love me. I kept thinking to myself, why didn't you hold my hand or do what couples usually do with me when you say that you love me? But I came to know that, you're a true gentleman. Because love shouldn't be determined by physical intimacy. So, so true. It was only when we got back together in 2011 where we finally held hands and hug each other. I still remember where was the first time we held hands... ECP wasn't it? You freaking made me walk to the Bedok Jetty to look for you, and made me walk back when I barely seen you for awhile. Hahahaha, oh well, the foolish things that we do just for the people that we love...

In 2012, I got together with someone else. Even till today, I wasn't sure if I got together with him just to make myself forget about you. In other words, I may have used him just to make myself forget about you. Yea, it may be true. But who would've known... That that rs actually ruined me. It made me lose hope in love, in a way. It made me fear getting into a rs, or even just by developing feelings for a certain someone. Things were horrible, and I don't wanna go into depth about it. But yea, you knew about it. You knew that I got into another rs and you asked me about it. I even talked to you about the problems that I had in the rs.

Who would've thought that we'd meet in JC once again. You were my freaking CG I/C. Was it pure coincidence? Or was it fate? I don't know. And even until today, I still remember what you said to me in the VD card. You said, learn to cherish what you have and not regret it when you lose it. Some things once lost will never be able to retrieve it back anymore.

Yea, I lost you. Because I failed to cherish you. And I regretted after I lost you. And I know I'll never be able to have you back anymore... exactly just like what you told me. Why didn't you tell me earlier...?

Perhaps we were meant for each other. Or maybe not.
可能我们是在错的时间,遇上对的人。。。

The past kept haunting me. I need to be able to break free from it. But I just can't seem to do it. Is this what you're going thru too? Or have you long broke free from all of these? Because it seems that you no longer miss me anymore... And it hurts sometimes.

Am I still tied down by the past because I've yet to get over you, or isit just because of all these memories that I still hold dearly to...? I don't know... I really don't... As much as I miss having you, I can't really imagine us being back together. Too much has changed. You've changed, and I've changed too. I've changed a lot. A whole lot. It feels as though the old me has been dead and I'm no longer who I used to be anymore.

How will we be doing if we are still together? What we feared most back then is happening now - you being in army. But I guess it doesn't matter anymore now, does it? Since we're no longer together anymore, hah. It's sad how I'm no longer the one there for you anymore, even as a friend. Even if I want to, I can't. Even if I want to, I don't know how. We barely even keep in touch anymore. The last time we actually talked talk, was in July. In August, I was even considering if I should wish you happy birthday, which I did. That was the last time we texted. I didn't even get you any present, and I don't even remember when was the last time we met. I really don't know what my heart wants, neither do I know what I really want. I'm always like that, and you knew that. But you tolerated me, and you let me have my way every time. Even though I was the one that bring you hurt, you'd still forgive me every time. I really wonder if you still remember all of these, just like how I remember them. Do you still remember my birthday? Do you still keep the things that I've given you over the years? Every handwritten letter, every gift, everything. Most importantly, the memories. Do you know that I still read your blog from time to time just to make myself remember about the past? Because I don't want to forget. I'm scared that I'll forget. Do you still think of me from time to time, just like how I think about you? I don't know, and I guess I wouldn't know. There's no need for me to know, anyway. I brought all of these upon myself. Saying all of these are of no help, I know. But I guess I'm finally letting myself face and vent out all that pent-up feelings that I've been bottling up deep within me all these while.

Just hope that you're doing fine, my moon. Even though you're no longer mine, you'll always be in my heart, forever in that special place. Forever the same, never changed. I can't say that my love for you has never changed, but at least the memories that we once had together will never change. I loved you, and I still do.

Till the next time we meet again, take care.