It's been long since I've last blogged and yep, I know that. I just can't seem to bring myself to blog about things because I haven't really been able to put my thoughts and feelings into words just yet.

Ever since Year 2 started, school has been crazy. I get so freaking drained out every single day, probably thanks to that crazy timetable of mine, and there were so many assignments and projects to complete. Everyday was spent just the same way, as though I'm stuck in a routine. All I did was trying to meet deadlines, after deadlines, with barely any break. Now that term break has finally arrived, I thought that I could've gotten a little breather. But nope, I was so so so wrong. Even though it's a holiday, there is still quite a lot of work to do. Group projects, assignments, and even individual ones. This is insanity for merely just a short 3 weeks break. And here I am, into the 2nd week of my holiday with barely any of my work done.

I don't know. It's just like all of a sudden, my world seems to be crashing. Nothing seems to be going my way, and as much as I hate myself for feeling this way, I know that there's nothing I can do to make all these bad vibes go away. To be honest, this holiday has not quite been the same as the previous one. I spent most of the time at home, either just lazing the day away, or spending time watching some of my favourite shows. When I receive texts from people, I'll most probably just read them from my lockscreen preview and not click in to reply unless it's necessary/ urgent. Yes, that's how bad I've been feeling recently, till the extent that I just want to spend time alone. Going out seems to be too much of a chore, because I'll have to entertain people. So I just come up with some excuses and end up turning people down when they ask me out, unless I really want to meet that person (either because it's been super long since we last met like J, or because I feel comfortable or at ease to do so). Yeah, you may think that I'm not a very good friend but so be it. I'm just so sick of being the one who cares more. What do I get at the end of the day? Just me myself getting hurt like an idiot. Why must I always be the one to take the initiative? Why do friendships die off once I stop putting in the effort or if I stopped trying? The reason is very simple. Because all along, it has been me - just me - trying to keep the friendship going. I've stopped trying for so many things, and especially so for friendships because if they so happen to die off, I can say that I'm totally okay with it. Why bother when they don't? I really see no point in doing so.

I have no idea how long it has been ever since I've gotten so sick and tired of people till the extent I'd rather stay at home and be alone. Probably because going out with some people make me feel as though I'm no different from being out alone. I guess it just really says a lot, now that I actually feel so much more comfortable with being alone. Also probably why I feel distant from everyone right now, but that's okay. I have myself, and my family. That's all that matters. And of course, people whom I know genuinely love and care for me, and are always proving to me that they are there for me (and not just SAYING that they're there for me). You guys know who you are, especially Kel and Jas. xoxo. I finally understood why people have been telling me to treasure my family. Because really, at the end of the day, they're really the ones who'll be there for you be it at your highest or lowest.

I don't think I've ever spoken about this before ever, but the ones whom I'm most disappointed in are those people whom I've met in SR. Ever since I've left for Poly, I know that things will change, and it will never be the same. But I didn't expect it to be this different. I get that they were all very busy studying when they were in J2, but now that they are moving on to uni and have such a long break, we didn't even get to meet up. Yes, we've been wanting to meet up. But in the end? It's just plainly saying for the sake of saying, really. Even the one whom I deemed to be closest to, didn't even seem to be putting in the effort to even meet me or keep up with the conversations anymore. All I get was 'Sorry, I've been busy.' Yes, I get it. Everyone is busy. Who isn't? At the end of the day, it's just all about priorities. I guess I know where I stand right now. After all, I've never been anyone's first priority, ever. So I should've already gotten used to it long ago.

Times like this makes me have the urge to just delete my social networking sites away. It just hurts whenever you see people claiming to be 'busy', yet posting pictures of them having fun with other people. Yep, I bet you must've been so busy with others till you don't even have the time for me, is that so? But it's okay. I should've known. But I guess what's worse is seeing others going out together without inviting you along. Okay, maybe I shouldn't be so 'over-sensitive'? After all I wasn't there with them when they were mugging their asses off for A levels. Yep, so it's totally okay to be left out. I get it. Oh well, I shouldn't have expected so much. At the end of the day, I've only managed to spend less than a year with them. So what on earth am I expecting? Of course those friendships forged wouldn't last. But it's okay. I can still try to bring myself to understand them this much. Because at the end of the day, once people get to make new friends, their old friends tend to be neglected or forgotten.

I can totally feel my social circle shrinking. But idgaf anymore, seriously. I'm just glad to have my sec sch clique, even though I feel there isn't much for us to talk about when we meet up but I guess it's the company that matters more. People can criticise me for all they want, and for all I care, if they think that I've changed because I'm no longer even bothered to put in the effort. Well, that's because I'm done with all this shits. I'm sick and tired of all these bullshits. So it's time for me to stand up for myself because I really don't see any reason why I deserved to be treated like this. If no one is going to treat me right, at the very least, I am going to be the one treating myself right. Because if I don't, who will?

So yep, I've just been mia-ing this holiday. More of like just resting and having some "healing" time.  Anyway, this post is just full of my stupid shit ass long rants la. I guess it's all part of growing up. And if anyone happen to even read this, please don't think that it's referring to you okay. Well, unless you're guilty? LOL. Then too bad for you :-) Oh and guess what, I really like it when people text me out of a sudden just to check on how I'm doing. And someone did it yesterday :-) it just feels nice. It's just like wow, someone actually thought about me and BOTHERED TO DO SOMETHING about it - which in this case, texted me to check on how I'm doing. People like this should exist more. They are really the ones who make a difference.

Alright that's all for now, gotta try and get rid of all these bad vibes by flooding myself with some comedy shows. And of course, knowing that I'm not the only one feeling this way totally made me feel way better :") just really glad and thankful to those who actually noticed that something was off and wrong with me and even bothered to check on me. Love you guys xx.