Tuesday, 31 March 2015

So... today marks the end of March. Once today is over, it means that 1/4 of 2015 is gone. It also means that I only have 20 days left till I'm back to my busy life. Sigh. But okay, this holiday actually felt pretty long, so that's fine.

The past week had been one emotional rollercoaster ride, with us losing the most important man of our state - the founding father of Singapore, Mr Lee Kuan Yew. On Monday, 23rd March, I woke up to news of his passing and I felt my eyes welled up with tears almost immediately. That sudden ache in my heart was unexpected, because it felt as though I have just lost a family member. But nope, I did not know Mr Lee personally, and neither did he knew me. Yet his death affected me a whole lot more than I expected it to... and I wasn't the only one. Many from the pioneer generations were seen to be tearing up on TV... yea, they're the ones who would feel more about the loss since they've seen how much Singapore has changed since independence day. I'm just really grateful to Mr Lee for everything that he has had done for us, and no words can express the gratitude and respect that I have for him. Really just want to say "Thank You", for everything. Rest In Peace, the father of Singapore :') There will never be another one like you; you're irreplaceable. I'm glad to be able to witness this moment because it is indeed a historical one. Although it was very saddening having to go through all of the mourning, I'm still glad to be a part of this. I'm really, really, really very proud to be a Singaporean :-)

Been wanting to go to the Parliament House to pay my last respects to Mr Lee but due to the long queues, I didn't manage to go in the end. However, I managed to pay my last respects to him on the day of the state funeral. Definitely didn't regret going even though it was raining, because I felt that it was necessary. Paying my last respects to someone who has done so much for us was the least that I could do. Glad that I went together with WH too! Finally went back to her house after 1year plus and I'm so glad that Pepper still remembers me :') But yea... It was really the final goodbye to Mr Lee... I believe he will want us to move on and keep bringing Singapore to even greater heights after a week of mourning too! Seeing how Singaporeans stand together and stay united to get through this tough period was really heartwarming :')

Anyway, results were also out last week, on Tuesday, 24th March. I'm just really happy and thankful for the results that I've gotten. Of course, thanks to my family and friends for their support too. Especially WH who has always been showering me with gifts and encouraging letters... I just feel so so so blessed :') Gotta rest well for the remaining of the holiday so that I can continue doing even better when school reopens!

Time for me to go back to watching 'Kill Me Heal Me'!!! Super in love with this drama right now *inserts heart-shaped eyes emoji* hehehe

Saturday, 21 March 2015

Been eating so much lately to the extent that I'm gonna fall into food coma very soon lol. But oh well, food makes me happy. Had so much meat just now and just by thinking about the amount of fats I'm gonna gain is... pretty scary. Nonetheless, I think I've found the best Korean BBQ place ever bcos the meat there is just really too good to be true!!! *inserts heart-shaped eyes emoji*

Went back for training yesterday and I must say that I'm really disappointed at myself for being so weak. Yes, weak; both physically and mentally. I can't believe how weak my mental strength actually is now. Where has all my perseverance and determination in the past gone to? I used to enjoy running quite a bit but now, to my horror, I actually found training torturous. But yes, it happens, bcos I haven't been to training for a few months. Still... I didn't expect it to be this bad. It was really pretty demoralising. But yea, 'the starting is always the toughest'. Hopefully training on Monday will be better. By that I mean, hopefully my performance will be better. Guess I really gotta start going back for training consistently and not MIA as and when I like anymore. Otherwise I'll never get to see/ feel the change at this rate. I want to be fitter. I want to be stronger. And in order for that to happen, I have to start going back to training every week. So gonna die for 2XU next Sunday... :-( but it's okay. It's gonna be my first ever 21km after all. I shall just try and do my best!

Idk why but I felt that there's a distance between us yesterday. Was it just me being over-sensitive, or did something really feel 'off'? I hope it was just me being too over-sensitive bcos I was so damn freaking tired after training. So many thoughts were in my head last night till I thought that my head was going to explode. Thank God that I slept it off. But I had so many weird dreams... like of people dying. Which was really weird.

I really miss you quite a lot... But I don't have the courage to tell you that. Idk why is that so, though, since I've already told you about my feelings time and over again... Sigh. I should have faith in you, right? In us too. Or is there no us in the first place? Sometimes it really sucks to feel. Sometimes it's just too tempting to go back to being numb all over again. But for the sake of you, I shall just continue having faith. I will wait for you, bcos... I.............you.

Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Back from meeting A and I must say that today has been a great day :-) (maybe except for the PMS weather pffft) A got me 2 boxes of Acuvue contact lenses from TW and wtf it's like half price over there as compared to in SG?!?!?! This is madness! And I didn't get to pay her back cos she said that it's okay :-/ oh and she got me a super duper cute Brown keychain too!!!!! Already hung it on my bag, hehehe. Oh and some pineapple cake goodies which I super love.

This holiday has been a pretty fulfilling one cos I've gone to places that I've been wanting to go, as well as doing things that I've been wanting to do! Had a really good lunch at Real Food earlier on and I can't believe I had so much vegetables today. Definitely a first. I ordered a Rise-n-Shine breakfast for myself while A ordered some Mushroom Aglio Olio which tasted really, really good. All the vegan people should go and try it out! The food there is da bomb man!

We then dropped by Orchard Library before we headed off to the Singapore Arts Museum cos I've been wanting to go there for quite some time already. It's pretty small compared to the other libraries, but it's really a super pretty place! The interior design is soooooo well-done. Thumbs up x100! Anyway, arts has never been my thing, but I've been wanting to go to SAM to take a look since I haven't been there before. It's such a beautiful place. The museum itself, the galleries, and all the amazing art pieces. Singaporeans should really take the time and go there since it's free for us! The interesting thing about art is how different people get to perceive it in their own way. There was a gallery (You and I) which displayed letters from strangers or friends to the person who did the artwork, and there was a letter that stood out from the rest.

"I believe that life is very precious, & that EVERYONE should cherish what they have in the present, as well as respect other life forms. I get strangely upset with suicidal people, and those who kill insects and animals, whether or not there is a need to do so - a threat, a necessity in research etc. This other side of my usually jovial/ zen personality just emerges & screams at people who appear to have a lack of respect for other life forms. Trees included.

The bizarre bit of this is that... I have been suicidal/ entertained suicidal thoughts frequently since I was 8 years old. The internal struggles I face over so often, wanting to end my own life because it was unbearably painful to live, but up till today, I still am not sure what is so intolerable that I just want it all to end. I don't even know what makes me think that death will be a better option, considering I've never died before, & even if I did, I don't carry any memories from an earlier existence.

Another bizarre fact? --> I used to work in a research lab that required me to kill mice in the name of science. Others have killed hundreds. I killed a grand total of 25 mice & I quit a good job. It took me nearly 2 months to get over the 'subtle' effects the killing did to my soul. I hope I don't ever have to kill anything ever again... but... I'm a meat eater *horror of horrors*

I don't really know who I am anymore. I wish I knew, but sometimes I'm thankful I'm still in the dark. Maybe it is better not to know who I truly am... beneath all these hypocrisy. 

Cheers, Happy Face! :)"

Somehow, this letter really made me go 'wow' after reading it. The amount of truth it has is too... true. What a paradoxical world we live in.

Another letter is pretty cool too.

"I find it slightly pathetic that people only say great/ nice things about other people only when they're dead. & how society conditioned us a certain way; formulae how to react under different circumstances. I wrote an enlogy for myself the other time cause I feel it's ridiculous to be glorified only during my funeral. Gee, society. 

My name is ______. Nice to meet you, though technically we didn't meet but the world is too small a place so we never know.

I wanted to send you an empty letter initially because words are so damn cheap."

This letter makes so much sense too. It's so true, and so real. Very often, people only get famous after they passed on, which makes me wonder what's the point? Since they don't get to enjoy that fame or money when they're already in their grave. This makes me learn how to appreciate and cherish the people that I love even more. This makes me learn how to try to see the good in everyone that I know because you never know when it's too late to tell someone their good/ how much you actually love them.

I feel that I've grown so so so much. I want to be someone with depth, and not someone who's just so superficial. But indeed, it's tough since the world itself is so paradoxical, and full of double standards. Sigh. Being alive is a gift but at the same time it's so much trouble. Shall just live everyday like it's the last so that I'll not have any regrets! :-)
Finished watching SPY (2015) and I really feel bad for Sun Woo because it was kinda like his destiny. He didn't really have a choice but to accept his fate :-/ I love watching spies/ detectives/ mystery kind of drama, which was why I started watching it. But I guess it was just an okay-okay drama. Wouldn't say that it's very nice because it's action parts are quite little and the whole drama just has something lacking in general, though idk what it is.

Are humans inherently good, or evil? Since young, I've always believed that humans are inherently good. However, the older I get, and perhaps due to the influences from the dramas that I watched, I started to lean more towards the side where humans are inherently evil. In the drama Liar Game, one of the actor said something like why would a child lie? No one taught him/ her how to lie. Which is kinda true. So the only possible reason is that humans are all inherently evil. Just like how there is a competitive, greedy side to everyone. But I guess it doesn't matter whether humans are inherently good or evil, because the choice that we make is the one that really defines us. I doubt I'm the only one who's fighting my inner demons everyday, right?

Lying. It's a negative term, but when people lie for a good cause or a good reason, it is said to be white lie. Just like how someone can lie about how much they love you, I never thought that someone can actually lie about them not loving you. I guess you can never really know what someone is really thinking, or feeling, well unless you are them, of course lol. Perhaps this is why so many people have trust issues these days... I think I really have so damn freaking many issues nowadays too lol. Whatever. But yea... Actions do speak louder than words. It's just that very often, we only listen to what we want to listen, or see what we want to see. Actually there are times when no words have to be said. Instead, you just have to feel, and you will be able to feel it.

Hahahahaha, just a post full of weird thoughts of mine. Alright, time to prepare to head out and meet A :-) so excited to see what she's gotten for me back from TW!

Sunday, 15 March 2015

Been starting on so many shows lately until I don't even know which to complete first. I haven't been finishing a lot of the shows that I've started on these days and neither do I know the reason why. :-( endings used to be so important to me, because it kinda gives the story a closure. And I used to think that it's very important. Now? I'm not too sure anymore. Maybe the process really matters more than the ending itself. Maybe having a "once", is better than a "never". Maybe this is why endings aren't that important to me anymore. Because without a closure, the story never really ends, and it'll continue living on "forever". Makes sense doesn't it? Haha.

It's kinda weird to see, feel and know how much I've changed over the years. Well, then again, "Change is the only constant", right? Everybody changes. It's a matter of whether it's for the better, or for the worse. For me, I'd like to say that I've changed for the better, definitely. And hopefully others would agree with me too. But I've learnt that how others view me ain't as important as how I view myself :-) so yes, positive thoughts, and good vibes!

Was reading 40 days of dating yesterday, and I read about being a commitment-phobe. I hope I'm not becoming one though :-/ (or am I already one?) Finished reading 40 days of dating today and it left me with so much feels. I guess living in the 21st century, everyone nowadays have a best friend of the opposite gender. And very often, I'll hear a girl saying "Oh how I wish I have a guy bff" etc. Yes, it's true that it feels great to have a bff of the other gender. But at the same time, things can suck quite badly too. You know how people of the older generations always mention that there can never be pure friendship between a guy and a girl? I didn't really choose to believe that in the past. But now, well, I can't say the same for myself anymore. Because I'm in love with my best friend. Yes, my best guy friend. I guess the reason why people say that a guy and a girl can never purely just be friends because at some point of time, one will fall for the other. I guess it's just a matter of whether they say it out or not. Of course some would think that not saying out is better, but I beg to differ. Maybe  that's because I've always been someone who is very straightforward with my thoughts, or maybe because I think that there is a need to. I can understand if it is a rather sensitive topic as bringing things to another level may put your friendship with that person to risk. But I trust that things will be fine if we talk things out instead of trying to avoid that topic, since we aren't bffs for no good reason.

I don't know which is sadder - to not have your feelings reciprocated by that certain someone, or knowing that that certain someone actually has feelings for you too, but neither chose to act on it because it's not "the right time". Sighpie. Time oh time, please be kind. Time is such a scary thing. It can either make, or break things. It's funny how the question in my head used to be "Does he feel the same way about me as to how I feel about him?" but now, it becomes "Will we end up together?" Somehow, after that talk the other day, I became even more insecure in a way. Often, I catch my mind drifting off to him unknowingly. I really want to be patient, and to take things slow and easy. But it really isn't as easy as said.

But no matter what, for now, just like what he said he wanna be doing, I want to cherish him as my best friend too. Above all, we will always be there for each other. Whether we will end up being lovers someday, well, I guess time will tell. Whether we will, or not - things shouldn't change much because us ending up together is just a bonus, and we will still be each other's best friend even if we are together.

So here's to our friendship forever, GH. Cheers to the many more years ahead of us! :-) xo

Saturday, 7 March 2015

Can't believe that Year 1 has ended just like that. 1/3 done with Poly life already, lol. Sigh, don't really know what to feel right now cos I think my results are gonna be pretty bad this sem... Really just hoping that my GPA will maintain and not drop. So much for hoping that I'll be able to pull it up, lol. Now that I think about it I can only give myself a sarcastic laugh.

Anyway. Life sucks so much right now. I really don't know what ZH wants from me. Why can't he just leave me alone? What exactly does he want from me? I'm starting to get really annoyed with him right now. And of course, knowing that I'm not the only one that he does this to makes me feel kinda less special, lol, but that's fine. Somehow it kinda surprises me that he no longer means that much to me anymore. Like that special place in my heart is no longer where he exists anymore. Maybe that's because someone new has taken over that place... idk. I'm starting to get really sick about affairs of the heart. It's just too confusing, too complicated, too tiring, for someone like me. I can never understand it. Perhaps I'm still too young for it. Perhaps staying this way with GH will be the best for us. I really don't know what I want either, so I guess it's best for things to stay this way in case I mess things up again, like how I always do.

But honestly, I've never feel this comfortable with anyone before. So maybe he's really all that I need? Or maybe not. But either way, I've gotten myself a really, really, really good friend. Nope, a best friend. And sometimes I can't help but to wonder how life would've been if I didn't get to meet him and know him. I feel so damn blessed to be able to have such a friend like him :')

There's really nothing more that I can ask for in life now, because I'm actually counting my blessings every single day. But yea, good times don't always last. That's why I'm afraid of being happy, because I'm afraid that I'll lose it.

I guess if it's meant to be, it'll be. I shall leave it all to fate :-)