Caught Inside Out today (like a finally!?!?!?!) and I gotta say that it's really so damn freaking good. I wasn't disappointed at all??? I don't get why some said that it isn't really that good though. But to me it is SUPER AWESOME. Damn touching too!!! Gotta say that it's my top favourite Disney Pixar movie of all time right now please, seriously. HOW CAN ANYONE NOT WATCH AND LOVE IT??? Go and reflect please. Kidding :')

I love how relatable this movie is, and it somehow make me wonder if these characters really exist in our heads. Well, they probably do, perhaps somewhere in Imaginary Land and Dream Productions? Yea. The part where Joy realised that without Sadness, there wouldn't be her really made me realise that they pretty much go hand-in-hand together. I guess that's what people meant by without ups and downs in our life, we are pretty much 'dead'. Yea, I understand now. And the part where Riley's imaginary friend sacrificed himself just so that Joy could return back to the HQ, was so damn touching. I cried at that part :-( how brave and selfless of him. I guess in order to really experience Joy, some sacrifices have to be made, and Sadness has to be accepted. I really lavaaaaaa this movie so much ㅠㅠ wanted to catch Scorch Trials as well but there wasn't many seats left, and we totally forgot that it's a PH eve today, so the tixs were much more expensive cos there isn't student price :-( sad. But it's okay! At least I got to spend quality time with my bby hehe :') no much money can compare the time we had spent together today man.

And yaaaaaa, I feel kinda guilty for spending so much today. But it's okay, no regrets actually. Just gotta tell myself to work harder so that I can earn more money, and to spend less so that I can save more~!

Been feeling kinda happy lately, and I hope this continues :-) shall go take a shower and turn in early since there's work tmr! YES, I SHOULD TOTALLY BE SLEEPING EARLIER AND MORE COS MY EYEBAGS ARE REALLY GETTING FROM BAD TO WORSE... SOMEBODY HELP ME PLEASE. I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER ㅠㅠ

Should I, or should I not? I guess decision-making is really not my thing. The more choices I have, the more confused I get. Probably bcos somehow, I'll always end up making the wrong decision :-/

Going for overseas internship (OITP) has perhaps always been a dream of mine ever since I went to Poly. Especially to Yale University in the States. And guess what? Yale is one of the choices for OITP this year once again. To be very honest, going to Yale has always been a dream of mine. But nah, I have to be practical. It's too far. It's too expensive. And in Jan it'll be winter. Meaning that I've gotta spend extra money just on winter clothes, how practical is that? Furthermore, USD conversion rate has always been high :-/ everything's so not in my favour.

However, on the list, I saw Murdoch Children Research Institute, University of Melbourne being offered as one of the choices. Unlike Yale, everything seemed to be in my favour. It's not too far away since it's just Australia. It's not that expensive, pretty much still affordable. And in Jan it'll be summer. Hot, just like SG. Or even hotter. But that's okay. At least having to wear less is better than having to wear more, isn't it? Furthermore, I've been to Australia before. Although not Melbourne. And yea, AUD conversion rate has dropped to 1:1. Well, there about.

So many thoughts have been going through my head for the past few days ever since I went for the talk. Okay, it was more like a briefing. Money is a main concern, but it isn't really that much of an issue I guess. I don't really know what's holding me back. And yea, it's a good and rare opportunity, definitely. But the thought of having to spend 10 weeks, or rather 11, in a foreign country, is rather daunting. Imagine having to go there all alone, without anyone alongside. And I'll have to spend New Year's eve, New Year's and Chinese New Year alone over there too. How lonely :-(

So should I, or should I not? Zzz, I really don't know. But so far, everyone has been telling me to just try for it, and just go if I can. I guess I shall not think too much and just try for the interview, right? If I so happen to fail the interview, I don't even have to worry anymore, aha. Meh. Alright, shall go with my gut feeling... Hopefully this time round, I'll make a decision that I'll not regret.

Just gonna hope for the best.

有时候会想，想变得漂亮是为了什么。
是因为如果变漂亮了，就会有人爱吗？
有时候会想，那么想瘦下来是为了什么。
是因为如果瘦了下来，就会有人爱吗？
但是人往往总是说，一个爱你的人，是会爱上你的全部，爱上你原来的样子，爱上原来的你，而不需要你为他改变些什么。
但是，这样的我又怎么会有人喜欢呢？
有时候就连我自己都无法爱我自己，又怎么能让别人来爱这样的我呢？
就算我真的变漂亮了，瘦下来了，真的会有人会喜欢我吗？
因为改变的就只有外表、我的内心还不就这样如此。
所以我不应该在乎这些吗？外表真的没那么重要？这世上真的会有爱我的人吗？真的就只不过是他还没出现？
我开始累了。我到底还得等多久呀？我的好好先生，赶快现身吧。我就快撑不下去了……

"Life is funny isn’t it?

Just when you think you’ve got it all figured out, just when you finally begin to plan something, get excited about something, and feel like you know what direction you’re heading in, the paths change, the signs change, the wind blows the other way, north is suddenly south, and east is west, and you’re lost.

 It is so easy to lose your way, to lose direction.

And that’s with following all the signposts.

―

It's funny because when you're a child, you believe you can be anything you want to be, go wherever you want to go. There's no limit to what you can dream. You expect the unexpected, you believe in magic, in fairy tales, and in possibilities. Then you grow older and that innocence is shattered and somewhere along the way the reality of life gets in the way and you're hit by the realization that you can't be all you wanted to be, you just might have to settle for a little bit less.

Or perhaps a variation of what you once wanted.

Why do we stop believing in ourselves? Why do we let facts and figures and anything but dreams rule our lives?"

― Love, Rosie

It's been long since I've last blogged and yep, I know that. I just can't seem to bring myself to blog about things because I haven't really been able to put my thoughts and feelings into words just yet.

Ever since Year 2 started, school has been crazy. I get so freaking drained out every single day, probably thanks to that crazy timetable of mine, and there were so many assignments and projects to complete. Everyday was spent just the same way, as though I'm stuck in a routine. All I did was trying to meet deadlines, after deadlines, with barely any break. Now that term break has finally arrived, I thought that I could've gotten a little breather. But nope, I was so so so wrong. Even though it's a holiday, there is still quite a lot of work to do. Group projects, assignments, and even individual ones. This is insanity for merely just a short 3 weeks break. And here I am, into the 2nd week of my holiday with barely any of my work done.

I don't know. It's just like all of a sudden, my world seems to be crashing. Nothing seems to be going my way, and as much as I hate myself for feeling this way, I know that there's nothing I can do to make all these bad vibes go away. To be honest, this holiday has not quite been the same as the previous one. I spent most of the time at home, either just lazing the day away, or spending time watching some of my favourite shows. When I receive texts from people, I'll most probably just read them from my lockscreen preview and not click in to reply unless it's necessary/ urgent. Yes, that's how bad I've been feeling recently, till the extent that I just want to spend time alone. Going out seems to be too much of a chore, because I'll have to entertain people. So I just come up with some excuses and end up turning people down when they ask me out, unless I really want to meet that person (either because it's been super long since we last met like J, or because I feel comfortable or at ease to do so). Yeah, you may think that I'm not a very good friend but so be it. I'm just so sick of being the one who cares more. What do I get at the end of the day? Just me myself getting hurt like an idiot. Why must I always be the one to take the initiative? Why do friendships die off once I stop putting in the effort or if I stopped trying? The reason is very simple. Because all along, it has been me - just me - trying to keep the friendship going. I've stopped trying for so many things, and especially so for friendships because if they so happen to die off, I can say that I'm totally okay with it. Why bother when they don't? I really see no point in doing so.

I have no idea how long it has been ever since I've gotten so sick and tired of people till the extent I'd rather stay at home and be alone. Probably because going out with some people make me feel as though I'm no different from being out alone. I guess it just really says a lot, now that I actually feel so much more comfortable with being alone. Also probably why I feel distant from everyone right now, but that's okay. I have myself, and my family. That's all that matters. And of course, people whom I know genuinely love and care for me, and are always proving to me that they are there for me (and not just SAYING that they're there for me). You guys know who you are, especially Kel and Jas. xoxo. I finally understood why people have been telling me to treasure my family. Because really, at the end of the day, they're really the ones who'll be there for you be it at your highest or lowest.

I don't think I've ever spoken about this before ever, but the ones whom I'm most disappointed in are those people whom I've met in SR. Ever since I've left for Poly, I know that things will change, and it will never be the same. But I didn't expect it to be this different. I get that they were all very busy studying when they were in J2, but now that they are moving on to uni and have such a long break, we didn't even get to meet up. Yes, we've been wanting to meet up. But in the end? It's just plainly saying for the sake of saying, really. Even the one whom I deemed to be closest to, didn't even seem to be putting in the effort to even meet me or keep up with the conversations anymore. All I get was 'Sorry, I've been busy.' Yes, I get it. Everyone is busy. Who isn't? At the end of the day, it's just all about priorities. I guess I know where I stand right now. After all, I've never been anyone's first priority, ever. So I should've already gotten used to it long ago.

Times like this makes me have the urge to just delete my social networking sites away. It just hurts whenever you see people claiming to be 'busy', yet posting pictures of them having fun with other people. Yep, I bet you must've been so busy with others till you don't even have the time for me, is that so? But it's okay. I should've known. But I guess what's worse is seeing others going out together without inviting you along. Okay, maybe I shouldn't be so 'over-sensitive'? After all I wasn't there with them when they were mugging their asses off for A levels. Yep, so it's totally okay to be left out. I get it. Oh well, I shouldn't have expected so much. At the end of the day, I've only managed to spend less than a year with them. So what on earth am I expecting? Of course those friendships forged wouldn't last. But it's okay. I can still try to bring myself to understand them this much. Because at the end of the day, once people get to make new friends, their old friends tend to be neglected or forgotten.

I can totally feel my social circle shrinking. But idgaf anymore, seriously. I'm just glad to have my sec sch clique, even though I feel there isn't much for us to talk about when we meet up but I guess it's the company that matters more. People can criticise me for all they want, and for all I care, if they think that I've changed because I'm no longer even bothered to put in the effort. Well, that's because I'm done with all this shits. I'm sick and tired of all these bullshits. So it's time for me to stand up for myself because I really don't see any reason why I deserved to be treated like this. If no one is going to treat me right, at the very least, I am going to be the one treating myself right. Because if I don't, who will?

So yep, I've just been mia-ing this holiday. More of like just resting and having some "healing" time.  Anyway, this post is just full of my stupid shit ass long rants la. I guess it's all part of growing up. And if anyone happen to even read this, please don't think that it's referring to you okay. Well, unless you're guilty? LOL. Then too bad for you :-) Oh and guess what, I really like it when people text me out of a sudden just to check on how I'm doing. And someone did it yesterday :-) it just feels nice. It's just like wow, someone actually thought about me and BOTHERED TO DO SOMETHING about it - which in this case, texted me to check on how I'm doing. People like this should exist more. They are really the ones who make a difference.

Alright that's all for now, gotta try and get rid of all these bad vibes by flooding myself with some comedy shows. And of course, knowing that I'm not the only one feeling this way totally made me feel way better :") just really glad and thankful to those who actually noticed that something was off and wrong with me and even bothered to check on me. Love you guys xx.

My holiday has officially ended. Am I depressed? Yes. But I'm glad that the first day of school has been a whole lot better than what I've had expected it to be. Barely had any lessons today bcos it's the first day of school I guess, so mostly it was just about an introduction to the different modules. And I was punctual today!!!!!!!! YAY. Hopefully it will lasts throughout the whole sem, lol. *cross fingers*

Had such a good sorta catch-up sesh with #CodeG over brunch cos F and YX have been so busy with GL trainings during the holiday that we didn't even have the time to meet etc. After class, A and I actually joined them to lepak around in the CLS clubroom. Didn't regret going bcos we kinda had fun there. Everyone was friendly, and I kinda liked that :-) oh, I ACTUALLY AM THE CLASS REP FOR THIS SEM. HAHAHAHAHA. (FREE CCA POINTS YAY) but nope, being a class rep seems to be quite tough zomg. Hopefully I'll be a good class rep :-(((

Anyway this is just a short update lo. Nothing much has been going on in my life also lol. Okay la I'm just very tired now and I have no idea why since I didn't do much today zz. Shag much? Can't imagine what's gonna happen once lessons start proper. GG.com sighpie. But yay lesson starts at 12pm tmr. Going all the way to school just for lab briefing................... wow. Guess I should start adapting back to school in this week since there's like nothing much going on for this week. Shall sign off now, and go shower. Then I can watch my Running Man while waiting for my hair to dry before I sleep. Sure KO one. Freaking tired zz no joke I swear. Kkkkkkk byebye.

- And the saddest thing of all, is knowing that your relationship with a certain somebody has changed drastically, because somehow or another, you guys have become distant; and there's absolutely nothing that you can do at all, because things are no longer the same. That feeling, my friend, really sucks. -

|| People change, like the seasons do.

I should really stop drinking coffee at night. Had Starbucks earlier on after dinner with AS, G and EH and here I am now, wide awake again. This is bad :-( bcos I have to wake up early later zz to go and tuition my kid :-( sigh. Anyway, since the caffeine in my body is keeping me awake, I shall update a bit.

Been feeling kinda depressed ever since the new timetable came out. I know that in one of my previous posts I said I was looking forward to school reopening. But now? ........I really am not anymore :-( life sucks. I forgot which idiot told me that Year 2 timetable is supposed to be more slack. So not, please. How is having lessons from 8am-6pm almost everyday slack??? I'm fine with having long hours in school, but how can we only have 1h breaks? :-((( brain's gonna be so damn dead man, I can feel it already lol. And worse still, having no breaks on Wed......... thanks to lessons from 10am-3pm straight. Fml, seriously. So not looking forward to school reopening now, but sigh, I'm only left with 2 days :-( look at the number of :-(s there is in this post and you know how depressed and sad I really am, hahaha.

So yea. Life as a Year 2 student is about to start and I'm super unprepared for school... Oh, orientation for the freshies has ended too. Hope to get more chances to interact with them since so far I've only got to see them during DBS induction day.

Okay, I should really sleep. Hopefully I can wake up on time later. Goodnight~

|| Food connects us. It brings families and friends together, and makes us happy. 

Had a really good catchup session with AS, G and EH yesterday over dinner and indeed, food has the ability to bring people together! It's been years since I last saw EH, like ever since she graduated from GM? I thought it was gonna be awkward for us but nope, the catching up was all good!

Catching up with old friends make me look back on my secondary school days. And of course, there will always be a tinge of nolstalgia but to be honest, those were the days that I'd never want to go back to, because those were my inglorious days, lol. But let's leave it as that; I shall not go into further details because I don't think that there's a need to. After all, I believe everyone has had a past where they did things they wished they hadn't. So yep, I'm no exception too. I'm human, so I do make mistakes. I don't get why some people are always so eager in pinpointing others for the mistakes that they make when they themselves make mistakes too, lol. But I guess I'm finally able to accept my past as how it is and not feel that ashamed of it anymore, which is a good thing I suppose?

Coming to think of it, I started realising that those whom I still keep in contact with are mostly friends whom I've met through my CCAs. It's funny how they are the ones whom I'm closer to now, instead of my classmates since we don't get to spend as much time together. We only get to meet like once or twice a week in school(?), as compared to my classmates whom I get to see and spend time with everyday. Haha, oh well. I guess this is how life works. And I guess that's how fate works. It always turns out that the ones who are/will be there for you when you're at your lowest are those whom you've never expected them to be.

As I grow older, I think that time may not always be the best measurement for things. Friendships, relationships, hobbies, in fact for anything. But I still do believe that what comes easy will end just as quickly. I don't know, maybe it's just me?

Finally got to watch Insurgent and yep, it was really pretty good. Definitely better than Divergent! But I don't think it's as nice as how everyone is saying it to be? Maybe it's because all the positive things that I've heard about the movie has made my expectations even higher. Like they always say, with expectations come disappointments. True that, haha.

Gotta stop drinking coffee at night! It's been keeping me awake and preventing me to get the sleep that I need. Pffft. Only got to sleep for 3h plus last night and I was so tired till I fell asleep on the train ride home. But when I got home I tried to nap and it was an utter failure. Shall nua all day in my bed tomorrow since it's finally a stay-home day after going out for a few days consecutively hehe. That's all for today~ my mood seems to be better now, yay!

|| "Learning to choose is hard. Learning to choose well is harder. And learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is harder still, perhaps too hard." —Barry Schwartz, The Paradox Of Choice: Why More Is Less

Happen to stumble upon this quote and basically, this is the quote to sum my life up. Every time when a choice has to be made, somehow, I'll just end up making the wrong choice and end up with regrets of many sorts. And it sucks. It really did. But what to do? Such is life. I believe I'm not the only one who feels this way. And of course, I believe many have made wrong choices at certain points in their lives. Personally, I really hate choices. If given a choice, I'd rather not be given the chance to choose at all. But I'd like to believe that every wrong choice that was made was for a reason, and that somehow I'll still be brought back on the right track. I guess the universe will take care of that and so it's not something for me to worry about.

Anyway, I've been thinking so much again lately lol. Brain ah brain, why are you always so active at the wrong time? Please don't be like this once school starts, because I don't have the time nor energy to deal with your bullshits. So yea. A and I seem to be talking about life pretty often lately. Prolly because we're both not doing very alright I guess? But of course, she's having a much tougher time than I am. What I'm experiencing now is nothing compared to her. Hopefully she'll be fine. Okay, there's no reason for me to not believe that since she has always been able to 看得开. I guess that's really quite important.

I have so much to say about this world. This freaking paradoxical world that we live in. How unfair this world is, and how unfair life can be. But then again, nothing is ever fair, isn't it? Such is life. It's just like how it takes 2 hands to clap. Likewise in a rs, it takes 2 people to start one, yet it only takes 1 to break it. And of course, the other party has no choice but to accept it. Because what's the point of trying to stop the breakup or cling onto the other party when his/her heart is no longer with you? It's pointless. So yea, life's never fair lol. There's just too much pent-up anger and grudges that I have and hold against this world. There are just so many things that I don't understand, and I guess I never will, until the day I die.

Why were we born if we are all going to end up dying someday? Why do people cross paths and end up going on separate ways again? Why do friends and lovers end up being strangers at the end of the day? Why is it that someone is always the one that is giving more, and ends up being the one getting more hurt than the other instead? Why... why... why????!!!!! I know that these are questions that no one can answer, so I'm not expecting any answers. But is this what life is really all about? That people come and go? That nothing ever lasts? That nothing is forever? That the amount of effort that's being put in is never the same? That one always ends up giving and suffering more? Nights like these really makes me hate this world. These thoughts are making me feel so damn useless about myself because I'm just someone who exist with several other billions of people in this world. Pathetic, isn't it? That my presence and absence means totally nothing at all. That the world would not stop spinning just because of me. That I make absolutely no difference at all. People always say that our destiny is being held in our own hands, but is that really true? I don't think so. Because some way or another, I believe that our lives are being controlled. By someone, God, or whoever, or whatever that you believe in. For me, I don't know who that is. I'm still trying to figure it out, but I believe that someone controls us. Maybe that's why people say that everything happens for a reason. Yea.

Lol okay time for bed. Enough with all the ranting. I'm sorry, but I just had to. Then again, what am I apologising for right? It's my blog; it's my space after all. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep with all these thoughts being tangled up in my head. Goodnight, you ugly world.

I swear thanks to the course that I'm studying right now, I've successfully managed to overcome my fear of needles and blood because in order for us to go for our internships, we have to be immune to Hepatitis B - which I'm sadly not immune to. Thanks to my poor immune system, I had to undergo 3 vaccinations and 2 blood tests (pffffft). And for goodness sake, the vaccination for Hep B is NOT cheap at all!!! One jab costs about $45? And the blood test costs $25. So yep, you can do the math yourself. I used to really really REALLY hate injections and all. But now? Not anymore. I'm glad that I'm able to overcome this because I'm gonna be dealing with needles and blood very often in this course, so thank God for that. And alas, I'm done with all of these stupid jabs!!! I swear I've never gotten so many jabs before in such a short span of time ever, in my life. I've never been able to watch myself getting poked by the needle, but today, I actually watched the whole process and I even recorded it on snapchat HAHAHA. #achievementunlocked I guess? Give me a round of applause for my bravery please! (I'm really damn proud of myself okay even though it is no biggie but apparently for me it is so please bear with me *inserts laughing emoji*) so now all that's left is just to collect my report from the clinic and then submitting it to my lecturer! YAY. But hopefully I'm immuned la hor? Don't think my immune system is THAT lousy to fail me even after the 3 vaccination jabs lololol. (But if really fail then I nothing to say already. Just... YOU SUCK, IMMUNE SYSTEM)

Supposed to go and collect my pay today and drop by WH's workplace after that but thanks to the sudden heavy rain, I decided to go tomorrow instead. Since I'm meeting AS and G tomorrow too. Been long since I last seen them, hehe. Pretty excited. Oh, and I totally forgot that I have to go back to school on Wednesday lololol. Guess I'm really excited and am looking forward to Wednesday because I'll be watching Insurgent! With GH somemore hehehe. Hopefully things will go fine ah. Okay, I think it will.

Sigh, although a part of me wants school to start soon so that I will be back to being busy again, now that there's only 2 weeks of holidays left, I actually feel pretty sad. Because I'm gonna be back to being busy again!!! Anyway, I'm just super glad that none of us got separated from each other because those from Stage A who chose MedTech ended up being in a class together hehe. Just waiting for my new timetable to be out... please let it be good!!! No shitty lesson timings and long breaks pleaseeeeeeeee. Oh, and I haven't finish watching Healer yet :-/ no feels to continue watching it. But I love the male lead so damn freaking much! He's like hot and cute at the same time (how is that even possible right?!?!?!?!) hahahaha.

Okay la, time for me to go and watch my shows. Loving my lepak days~ :-) Oh, and I have a new favourite quote now! Shall sign off with it~  

|| "Where there is love, there is life." -Gandhi

Decided to start on a new drama today even though I just finished Kill Me Heal Me yesterday. You know the feeling that you get after you completed a drama/ book? That emptiness, that void in your heart that doesn't seem to be able to be filled again just because the story has ended? Yep, that was what I was feeling yesterday after completing the drama because it was simply too good. Gotta admit that it's been one of the best dramas that I've watched. Ji Sung's acting was really good. He's awesome man. Guess it's gonna take quite some time for me to get over this show. The OST is so freaking good too! I can't stop replaying 'Hallucinations' on my music player. I even set it as my ringtone now HAHA. Some crazy obsession that I have there. So yep, I started on Healer today because I had nothing else to do besides watching drama. Been staying in front of my laptop for the whole of the past few days just because I was chionging my drama. Okay, didn't really chiong chiong but still, I finished KMHM in like what, 3 days? Guess I'll prolly finish watching Healer by like Sunday or something, since I've already finished 5 episodes for now.

Anyway, I feel kinda stressed up even though there's nothing for me to be stressed about. Weird, isn't it? But I guess I'm prolly stressing over whether to quit Marathoners or not. I really wanna start working, if my timetable permits, because I wanna make my dream of travelling to places that I wanna go come true. And in order for that to happen, I have to work to earn enough money before I have the ability to do so. If I'm to take up a part-time job while schooling, it's gonna be draining and taxing enough. I don't think I'll be able to commit to my CCA... which is why I have thoughts of quitting. Actually this isn't the first time since I've had thoughts of quitting. But I didn't. And I know the reason why. Because CCA is the only time we have together. If I'm to quit Marathoners just like that, I wouldn't get to see you anymore. And it makes me reluctant and unwilling to quit just like that. But I no longer find trainings enjoyable... So I really don't know what to do. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder why I wanna make myself so tired from all of these. I guess what I really need is a getaway. After all, running away from everything is what I do best. There are so many places in the world that I wanna go, that I wanna explore. I don't wanna be trapped here in this tiny place which is only represented on the map by a little dot for the rest of my life. I believe there are many more things out there for me to see, for me to feel, for me to experience and for me to try. Therefore, I'm gonna make it happen. And I will make sure that I let it happen. Slowly, but surely. Someday, I'll get there. I'll be where I wanna be. I'll be doing what I wanna do.

If only I knew how things were gonna turn out, I guess I wouldn't have done the same. If saying out our feelings were gonna change things, I wish I hadn't. I wish I didn't. Oh well. Nothing's happened. But why does it feel like everything's gone wrong? I don't know what to do, or what I should do right now... This sucks.

Shall go shower and hit the sack since I'm meeting A for gym later. Gotta sleep earlier in case I can't wakey. And I should start showering earlier from now on lol (if that's even possible). Goodbye March, and goodnight world.

So... today marks the end of March. Once today is over, it means that 1/4 of 2015 is gone. It also means that I only have 20 days left till I'm back to my busy life. Sigh. But okay, this holiday actually felt pretty long, so that's fine.

The past week had been one emotional rollercoaster ride, with us losing the most important man of our state - the founding father of Singapore, Mr Lee Kuan Yew. On Monday, 23rd March, I woke up to news of his passing and I felt my eyes welled up with tears almost immediately. That sudden ache in my heart was unexpected, because it felt as though I have just lost a family member. But nope, I did not know Mr Lee personally, and neither did he knew me. Yet his death affected me a whole lot more than I expected it to... and I wasn't the only one. Many from the pioneer generations were seen to be tearing up on TV... yea, they're the ones who would feel more about the loss since they've seen how much Singapore has changed since independence day. I'm just really grateful to Mr Lee for everything that he has had done for us, and no words can express the gratitude and respect that I have for him. Really just want to say "Thank You", for everything. Rest In Peace, the father of Singapore :') There will never be another one like you; you're irreplaceable. I'm glad to be able to witness this moment because it is indeed a historical one. Although it was very saddening having to go through all of the mourning, I'm still glad to be a part of this. I'm really, really, really very proud to be a Singaporean :-)

Been wanting to go to the Parliament House to pay my last respects to Mr Lee but due to the long queues, I didn't manage to go in the end. However, I managed to pay my last respects to him on the day of the state funeral. Definitely didn't regret going even though it was raining, because I felt that it was necessary. Paying my last respects to someone who has done so much for us was the least that I could do. Glad that I went together with WH too! Finally went back to her house after 1year plus and I'm so glad that Pepper still remembers me :') But yea... It was really the final goodbye to Mr Lee... I believe he will want us to move on and keep bringing Singapore to even greater heights after a week of mourning too! Seeing how Singaporeans stand together and stay united to get through this tough period was really heartwarming :')

Anyway, results were also out last week, on Tuesday, 24th March. I'm just really happy and thankful for the results that I've gotten. Of course, thanks to my family and friends for their support too. Especially WH who has always been showering me with gifts and encouraging letters... I just feel so so so blessed :') Gotta rest well for the remaining of the holiday so that I can continue doing even better when school reopens!

Time for me to go back to watching 'Kill Me Heal Me'!!! Super in love with this drama right now *inserts heart-shaped eyes emoji* hehehe

Been eating so much lately to the extent that I'm gonna fall into food coma very soon lol. But oh well, food makes me happy. Had so much meat just now and just by thinking about the amount of fats I'm gonna gain is... pretty scary. Nonetheless, I think I've found the best Korean BBQ place ever bcos the meat there is just really too good to be true!!! *inserts heart-shaped eyes emoji*

Went back for training yesterday and I must say that I'm really disappointed at myself for being so weak. Yes, weak; both physically and mentally. I can't believe how weak my mental strength actually is now. Where has all my perseverance and determination in the past gone to? I used to enjoy running quite a bit but now, to my horror, I actually found training torturous. But yes, it happens, bcos I haven't been to training for a few months. Still... I didn't expect it to be this bad. It was really pretty demoralising. But yea, 'the starting is always the toughest'. Hopefully training on Monday will be better. By that I mean, hopefully my performance will be better. Guess I really gotta start going back for training consistently and not MIA as and when I like anymore. Otherwise I'll never get to see/ feel the change at this rate. I want to be fitter. I want to be stronger. And in order for that to happen, I have to start going back to training every week. So gonna die for 2XU next Sunday... :-( but it's okay. It's gonna be my first ever 21km after all. I shall just try and do my best!

Idk why but I felt that there's a distance between us yesterday. Was it just me being over-sensitive, or did something really feel 'off'? I hope it was just me being too over-sensitive bcos I was so damn freaking tired after training. So many thoughts were in my head last night till I thought that my head was going to explode. Thank God that I slept it off. But I had so many weird dreams... like of people dying. Which was really weird.

I really miss you quite a lot... But I don't have the courage to tell you that. Idk why is that so, though, since I've already told you about my feelings time and over again... Sigh. I should have faith in you, right? In us too. Or is there no us in the first place? Sometimes it really sucks to feel. Sometimes it's just too tempting to go back to being numb all over again. But for the sake of you, I shall just continue having faith. I will wait for you, bcos... I.............you.

Back from meeting A and I must say that today has been a great day :-) (maybe except for the PMS weather pffft) A got me 2 boxes of Acuvue contact lenses from TW and wtf it's like half price over there as compared to in SG?!?!?! This is madness! And I didn't get to pay her back cos she said that it's okay :-/ oh and she got me a super duper cute Brown keychain too!!!!! Already hung it on my bag, hehehe. Oh and some pineapple cake goodies which I super love.

This holiday has been a pretty fulfilling one cos I've gone to places that I've been wanting to go, as well as doing things that I've been wanting to do! Had a really good lunch at Real Food earlier on and I can't believe I had so much vegetables today. Definitely a first. I ordered a Rise-n-Shine breakfast for myself while A ordered some Mushroom Aglio Olio which tasted really, really good. All the vegan people should go and try it out! The food there is da bomb man!

We then dropped by Orchard Library before we headed off to the Singapore Arts Museum cos I've been wanting to go there for quite some time already. It's pretty small compared to the other libraries, but it's really a super pretty place! The interior design is soooooo well-done. Thumbs up x100! Anyway, arts has never been my thing, but I've been wanting to go to SAM to take a look since I haven't been there before. It's such a beautiful place. The museum itself, the galleries, and all the amazing art pieces. Singaporeans should really take the time and go there since it's free for us! The interesting thing about art is how different people get to perceive it in their own way. There was a gallery (You and I) which displayed letters from strangers or friends to the person who did the artwork, and there was a letter that stood out from the rest.

"I believe that life is very precious, & that EVERYONE should cherish what they have in the present, as well as respect other life forms. I get strangely upset with suicidal people, and those who kill insects and animals, whether or not there is a need to do so - a threat, a necessity in research etc. This other side of my usually jovial/ zen personality just emerges & screams at people who appear to have a lack of respect for other life forms. Trees included.

The bizarre bit of this is that... I have been suicidal/ entertained suicidal thoughts frequently since I was 8 years old. The internal struggles I face over so often, wanting to end my own life because it was unbearably painful to live, but up till today, I still am not sure what is so intolerable that I just want it all to end. I don't even know what makes me think that death will be a better option, considering I've never died before, & even if I did, I don't carry any memories from an earlier existence.

Another bizarre fact? --> I used to work in a research lab that required me to kill mice in the name of science. Others have killed hundreds. I killed a grand total of 25 mice & I quit a good job. It took me nearly 2 months to get over the 'subtle' effects the killing did to my soul. I hope I don't ever have to kill anything ever again... but... I'm a meat eater *horror of horrors*

I don't really know who I am anymore. I wish I knew, but sometimes I'm thankful I'm still in the dark. Maybe it is better not to know who I truly am... beneath all these hypocrisy. 

Cheers, Happy Face! :)"

Somehow, this letter really made me go 'wow' after reading it. The amount of truth it has is too... true. What a paradoxical world we live in.

Another letter is pretty cool too.

"I find it slightly pathetic that people only say great/ nice things about other people only when they're dead. & how society conditioned us a certain way; formulae how to react under different circumstances. I wrote an enlogy for myself the other time cause I feel it's ridiculous to be glorified only during my funeral. Gee, society. 

My name is ______. Nice to meet you, though technically we didn't meet but the world is too small a place so we never know.

I wanted to send you an empty letter initially because words are so damn cheap."

This letter makes so much sense too. It's so true, and so real. Very often, people only get famous after they passed on, which makes me wonder what's the point? Since they don't get to enjoy that fame or money when they're already in their grave. This makes me learn how to appreciate and cherish the people that I love even more. This makes me learn how to try to see the good in everyone that I know because you never know when it's too late to tell someone their good/ how much you actually love them.

I feel that I've grown so so so much. I want to be someone with depth, and not someone who's just so superficial. But indeed, it's tough since the world itself is so paradoxical, and full of double standards. Sigh. Being alive is a gift but at the same time it's so much trouble. Shall just live everyday like it's the last so that I'll not have any regrets! :-)

Finished watching SPY (2015) and I really feel bad for Sun Woo because it was kinda like his destiny. He didn't really have a choice but to accept his fate :-/ I love watching spies/ detectives/ mystery kind of drama, which was why I started watching it. But I guess it was just an okay-okay drama. Wouldn't say that it's very nice because it's action parts are quite little and the whole drama just has something lacking in general, though idk what it is.

Are humans inherently good, or evil? Since young, I've always believed that humans are inherently good. However, the older I get, and perhaps due to the influences from the dramas that I watched, I started to lean more towards the side where humans are inherently evil. In the drama Liar Game, one of the actor said something like why would a child lie? No one taught him/ her how to lie. Which is kinda true. So the only possible reason is that humans are all inherently evil. Just like how there is a competitive, greedy side to everyone. But I guess it doesn't matter whether humans are inherently good or evil, because the choice that we make is the one that really defines us. I doubt I'm the only one who's fighting my inner demons everyday, right?

Lying. It's a negative term, but when people lie for a good cause or a good reason, it is said to be white lie. Just like how someone can lie about how much they love you, I never thought that someone can actually lie about them not loving you. I guess you can never really know what someone is really thinking, or feeling, well unless you are them, of course lol. Perhaps this is why so many people have trust issues these days... I think I really have so damn freaking many issues nowadays too lol. Whatever. But yea... Actions do speak louder than words. It's just that very often, we only listen to what we want to listen, or see what we want to see. Actually there are times when no words have to be said. Instead, you just have to feel, and you will be able to feel it.

Hahahahaha, just a post full of weird thoughts of mine. Alright, time to prepare to head out and meet A :-) so excited to see what she's gotten for me back from TW!

Been starting on so many shows lately until I don't even know which to complete first. I haven't been finishing a lot of the shows that I've started on these days and neither do I know the reason why. :-( endings used to be so important to me, because it kinda gives the story a closure. And I used to think that it's very important. Now? I'm not too sure anymore. Maybe the process really matters more than the ending itself. Maybe having a "once", is better than a "never". Maybe this is why endings aren't that important to me anymore. Because without a closure, the story never really ends, and it'll continue living on "forever". Makes sense doesn't it? Haha.

It's kinda weird to see, feel and know how much I've changed over the years. Well, then again, "Change is the only constant", right? Everybody changes. It's a matter of whether it's for the better, or for the worse. For me, I'd like to say that I've changed for the better, definitely. And hopefully others would agree with me too. But I've learnt that how others view me ain't as important as how I view myself :-) so yes, positive thoughts, and good vibes!

Was reading 40 days of dating yesterday, and I read about being a commitment-phobe. I hope I'm not becoming one though :-/ (or am I already one?) Finished reading 40 days of dating today and it left me with so much feels. I guess living in the 21st century, everyone nowadays have a best friend of the opposite gender. And very often, I'll hear a girl saying "Oh how I wish I have a guy bff" etc. Yes, it's true that it feels great to have a bff of the other gender. But at the same time, things can suck quite badly too. You know how people of the older generations always mention that there can never be pure friendship between a guy and a girl? I didn't really choose to believe that in the past. But now, well, I can't say the same for myself anymore. Because I'm in love with my best friend. Yes, my best guy friend. I guess the reason why people say that a guy and a girl can never purely just be friends because at some point of time, one will fall for the other. I guess it's just a matter of whether they say it out or not. Of course some would think that not saying out is better, but I beg to differ. Maybe  that's because I've always been someone who is very straightforward with my thoughts, or maybe because I think that there is a need to. I can understand if it is a rather sensitive topic as bringing things to another level may put your friendship with that person to risk. But I trust that things will be fine if we talk things out instead of trying to avoid that topic, since we aren't bffs for no good reason.

I don't know which is sadder - to not have your feelings reciprocated by that certain someone, or knowing that that certain someone actually has feelings for you too, but neither chose to act on it because it's not "the right time". Sighpie. Time oh time, please be kind. Time is such a scary thing. It can either make, or break things. It's funny how the question in my head used to be "Does he feel the same way about me as to how I feel about him?" but now, it becomes "Will we end up together?" Somehow, after that talk the other day, I became even more insecure in a way. Often, I catch my mind drifting off to him unknowingly. I really want to be patient, and to take things slow and easy. But it really isn't as easy as said.

But no matter what, for now, just like what he said he wanna be doing, I want to cherish him as my best friend too. Above all, we will always be there for each other. Whether we will end up being lovers someday, well, I guess time will tell. Whether we will, or not - things shouldn't change much because us ending up together is just a bonus, and we will still be each other's best friend even if we are together.

So here's to our friendship forever, GH. Cheers to the many more years ahead of us! :-) xo

Can't believe that Year 1 has ended just like that. 1/3 done with Poly life already, lol. Sigh, don't really know what to feel right now cos I think my results are gonna be pretty bad this sem... Really just hoping that my GPA will maintain and not drop. So much for hoping that I'll be able to pull it up, lol. Now that I think about it I can only give myself a sarcastic laugh.

Anyway. Life sucks so much right now. I really don't know what ZH wants from me. Why can't he just leave me alone? What exactly does he want from me? I'm starting to get really annoyed with him right now. And of course, knowing that I'm not the only one that he does this to makes me feel kinda less special, lol, but that's fine. Somehow it kinda surprises me that he no longer means that much to me anymore. Like that special place in my heart is no longer where he exists anymore. Maybe that's because someone new has taken over that place... idk. I'm starting to get really sick about affairs of the heart. It's just too confusing, too complicated, too tiring, for someone like me. I can never understand it. Perhaps I'm still too young for it. Perhaps staying this way with GH will be the best for us. I really don't know what I want either, so I guess it's best for things to stay this way in case I mess things up again, like how I always do.

But honestly, I've never feel this comfortable with anyone before. So maybe he's really all that I need? Or maybe not. But either way, I've gotten myself a really, really, really good friend. Nope, a best friend. And sometimes I can't help but to wonder how life would've been if I didn't get to meet him and know him. I feel so damn blessed to be able to have such a friend like him :')

There's really nothing more that I can ask for in life now, because I'm actually counting my blessings every single day. But yea, good times don't always last. That's why I'm afraid of being happy, because I'm afraid that I'll lose it.

I guess if it's meant to be, it'll be. I shall leave it all to fate :-)

我好像终于找到属于我自己的李大仁了...

How is it almost the end of January already, like really???

School has barely started for a month, but I'm already dying for my semester break to come. Too many deadlines to meet, too much work to complete. I'm so tired of school already...

On a side note, I need to stop falling sick lol. How many times has it been already man? My immune system needs to get its shit together >:-(

Oh right, in my previous post I said that I'm gonna do a mandatory end-of-year reflection post but I didn't. Sorry, I'm just too lazy to do it here.

So... just to keep this space updated:
1. I've went back for training since GH kept asking me whether I'll be going for training. And partly bcos of what A said, "You better start going back for trainings bcos you know that some day he'll get sick of asking you that and he'll just stop asking right?" So yep, I'm back to training hehe. Feeling fitter than ever! Need to make an effort to go for training regularly and not MIA as and when I like again >:-( need more self-discipline!!!

2. I've gotten back my MST results, and I think I did better than expected :-) improved as compared to last sem's MST results! *pats myself on the back* haha. Need to keep up the hard work tho, since EST is the impt one and it's just a month away?! (omg)

3. Need to stop overthinking about things that are not as impt as studies for now. Like they say, "You can't lose things that has never been yours." so it's wiser to not get things started between us. I need to stop harping on it, I need to stop putting myself in a vulnerable position. But then, "to love is to be vulnerable". Guess this year's Valentine's Day is not gonna be any different bcos it's gonna be spent alone again. But it's okay, at least I'm not alone hahah. I have my awesome friends~

Can't wait for this term to end. Freshies are gonna come in real soon, and I'm gonna be Year 2! How exciting. Till next time, ciao~

So... apparently the last time I blogged was at the start of December. Now that I'm back, I'm actually done with December and 2014. Done with MST, done with my 3-week holiday (which totally didn't feel like 3 weeks at all, bcos December felt like it only lasted for 5mins lol) and having to head back to school in another 16h's time. 1 last term left and I'm done with Year 1. Time really needs to slow down...

Been wanting to update this space about my 18th birthday but I've been too busy (and lazy) to do so, so I'm just gonna do it now although it's kinda belated.

December has always been my favourite time of the year bcos it's the month that I'm born in!!! Okay, besides the fact that my birthday falls on this month, it's also the season to be jolly - Christmas!!! This is the month when you get to see sales almost everywhere bcos it's Christmas!!!

I have no idea why, but this 3-week holiday made me feel like I've been a whole lot busier than during the school term. I've been going out literally every single day except during the weekends, omg. But I must say that it's been a great holiday bcos I got to spend time with my family and also managed to catch up with my friends and cousins :')

Can't believe that I'm already 18, it feels so damn surreal please? It's the age where I'm able to get my driving license, to buy alcoholic drinks legally, to watch M18 movies without having to sneak in, to be able to enter a club like a boss, etc. But nah, it doesn't feel that much of a difference to me tbh. No idea why some people like making their 18th birthday such a big deal when in actual fact, it's just another day where you age by a year? To me, I'd say that 21st birthday is so much more of a bigger deal. Nonetheless, my 18th birthday had been awesome; thanks to my friends for all the well-wishes, celebrations, surprises and gifts! Never felt this blessed in my life before, really :") and yep, just like a tweet that I happened to scroll past the other day which says, "Instead of the number of likes that I get for my Instagram posts, what matters more is who liked it." indeed, I'm happy bcos those whom I've hoped that they'd wish me on my birthday, did.

That's about it. And oh, I spent Christmas with an advanced Christmas party picnic @ Marina Barrage with the marathoner peeps. Didn't regret going bcos I had so much fun :-) on the side note, I should really go back for trainings soon... Anyway, the view from Marina Barrage at night is amazing. It was so beautiful and somehow therapeutic. AND, I was ushered into the new year with BIGBANG!!! Couldn't be any happier. Guess 2014 ended off well and may 2015 be a better year since it started off with a BANG hehe.

Shall do a mandatory end-of-year reflection blog post when I wake up later. For now, off to lalaland~