Hello, December. 

It's you again. You're back. It's been a year already. My favourite time of the year is here once again :-) but it also means that 2014 is coming to an end very soon. And the thought of it scares me. Bcos time is really, passing way too quickly. 30 more days and 2015 is gonna be here. 29 more days till I'm gonna see BIGBANG in SG, with the complete 5 of them performing on the stage together once again :') it's gonna be the very first countdown party that I've been to, and it's gonna be with my OT5. Just the thought of it is pure bliss. 

So much has happened recently. I'm done with sem 1 and I've alr started sem 2, I've ranked the themes for SIP, I've chosen my specialisation, and MST is coming. I've fell sick, almost recovered, before falling sick again. But yep, glad that I've fully recovered by now. 

School's been draining the shit out of me. Been sleeping so much this sem and I don't even know why bcos I haven't been doing much. Not sure why I've been so tired bcos I didn't even attend training ever since I fell sick. 

There's so many things that I wanna rant about yet I don't know where to start from. The thought of turning 18 in about 2 weeks really scares me. Even though I gotta admit that a part of me is kinda excited. 

So much has changed. My previous posts were about how I couldn't seem to get over you, and yet now I can confidently say that I've alr let go of the past. I'm freed. No long tied down and burdened by the past. Just gonna look forward and continue walking ahead without turning back. 

Just when I thought that this clique will remain happy and all with the 5 of us, things had to change. We got sick and tired of each other, we started to drift, we started talking behind each other's backs, we started hiding things from one another, etc. All these - my friends, marks the start of our friendship turning sour. And this is really bad, bcos you guys are pretty much all that I have in poly. I treasure each and everyone of you, I don't wanna be stuck in the middle, I don't wanna be forced to choose sides, but I know that things can never be the same. Well, things don't seem to be that bad yet, I guess? Hopefully it isn't. 

And as for things between GH and I, I gotta say that there has been an unexpected turn of events.... in some way. Don't wanna think too much for now, just super thankful to have him by my side. Can't imagine how life would be without him bcos he's always the one there for me, motivating me and all. 

Okay, things don't seem to be that bad. But somehow I still feel that my life is pretty messed up... 

Super unprepared for MST. Hopefully I'll do okay and I just want the 3-week holiday to come asap. I need a break. From studies. From life. From everything. 

Thank god that class starts at 10 later. Must be the coffee that's keeping me awake. Shall try to get some rest now. Off to dreamland, goodnight. 

You merely open your eyes; I see love. 
You simply craft a smile upon your thin lips; I see delight. 
You step slowly, gracefully towards me; my heart goes on a rampage. 
You come closer and closer to me; I begin to have trouble breathing. 
You reach for my pale, delicate hand... I push you away. 
I slowly brush the hair out of my eyes as I'm turning around, away from you. 
Away from my fears. 
For I am afraid of loving again.
I am afraid of many things 
But falling into arms constructed of paper and sticks it what I fear most. 
I fear of falling in love, and then falling into the ground once more. 
Even though we are both youthful 
Even though our dreams are not yet crushed by the brutality of reality 
I fear to fall, yet I wish for love... 
Nay, I desire love. 
A love that will have the arms crafted of the strongest stone 
A love that shall have both of us fall 
A love that requires both of us to make it feel whole 
A love that is eternal Alas, I push you away I push my chance with you away 
Even though I see promising things within you 
I see my tears when I see love in your eyes 
I see woe when I see delight in your smile 
My heart beats become fixed, yet ever more broken when you walk towards me 
I have trouble breathing from awe, yet from fear when you inch even closer to me. 
When you reach for my pale, delicate hand... I push you away 
Yet I wish I can hold onto it forever... 
I fear of falling, yet I wish for love...

習慣聽你分享生活細節
害怕破壞完美的平衡點
保持著距離一顆心的遙遠
我的寂寞你就聽不見

我走回從前你往未來飛
遇見對的人錯過交叉點
明明你就已經站在我面前
我卻不斷揮手說再見

以後別做朋友 朋友不能牽手
想愛你的衝動 我只能笑著帶過
最好的朋友 有些夢 不能說出口
就不用承擔 會失去你的心痛

劃一個安全的天空界線
誰都不准為我們掉眼淚
放棄好好愛一個人的機會
要看著你幸福到永遠

以後別做朋友 朋友不能牽手
想愛你的衝動 我只能笑著帶過
最好的朋友 有些夢 不能說出口
就不用承擔 會失去你的心痛

忍住失控 太折磨 我自作自受
回憶都是我 好不了的傷口

以後還是朋友 還是你最懂我
我們有始有終 就走到世界盡頭
永遠的朋友 祝福我 遇見愛以後
不會再懦弱 緊緊握住那雙手

"You can't recapture and relive a moment that you lose to worry or frustration or negative thinking. You can't go back and say 'hey, I did that wrong, and now I really want to enjoy myself." No, Sagittarius, it doesn't work that way. Once you waste your time wallowing in worry and regret you can't undo it. You have to live with the loss. There is an answer, though. Instead of putting yourself in the position to regret the loss of a potentially wonderful moment, remind yourself that you won't be able to undo it. Live to the fullest, with no regrets."

Well... I guess this paragraph of words really strike me hard. It felt as though someone out there is answering to all the questions that were flying about in my head. Those words that are in bold seemed to be the answer that I needed, and it really hit me hard. Especially this, "You have to live with the loss." Yep, I knew that, because all these while I've been living that way. But what really made me realise that I may have to move on instead of holding on, was this, "remind yourself that you won't be able to undo it." It speaks for itself, doesn't it? It's asking me to let go, because it's too late to change anything, isn't it?

People always say, "Live life to the fullest with no regrets." The older I get, the more I realise that it's practically impossible to live a life with no regrets. Because with every choice we make comes regrets. And life, is all about making choices. Now, I'm supposed to make a choice, yet again. Whether to hold on, or to let go and move on. I guess many will tell me not to be stupid, just let go and move on since it's been so long. But why don't you guys try thinking about it from my perspective? If I was able to let go and move on, I would've done that long ago. What for bother making myself suffer, right? The thing is, I realise that I can't. I can't let go. I thought I've had already let go and moved on, but this is definitely not the case. I've been lying to myself all these while - all I did was to let time try to ease my pain a little and try to bury whatever that I was feeling deep down within me in my heart.

People always say, "Time will ease you from all the pain." But nope, that's not true. Not true at all. Because if time were to ease me from all that pain, it'd have been gone long ago. "Maybe you need more time?" Nope, I don't think so. Because it's been a few years. If time is really what I need, how much more time do I need before I can truly recover from this? Another 3 years? Another 5 years? Or another 10 years?

People always say, "Maybe it's the memories that you're missing, not the person." Well, it may be true. That was what I've been asking myself almost everyday. But did you realise, that the person was the one who made those memories together with you, in order for it to become a memory? It may be the memory that we are missing, but when it comes to the feelings that we feel, it certainly has to be because of the way how that certain someone is capable of making us feel. True?

I guess it's just another late night post where I simply pen down what's really going on in my mind... Perhaps it's just me getting more and more drifted away from my sanity. I don't know. I really need to get you off my mind. Please let me off, will you? Stupid brain. Please please please stop thinking of him... :-(

"And in the end, what's left are only regrets due to the chances that we've never had the courage to take."

Finally manage to break the silence between us by taking the initiative to ask you how you're doing, and I must say I'm really glad that you aren't angry with me because of what I said to you the other time. I bet you don't know how much effect your words have on me. Somehow I'm just really that sensitive when it comes to you - whether it's the things that you say, or the things that you do. Your words made me wonder if you were actually thinking of me as much as I was thinking of you, and if you were paying attention to me on my SNS just to check on me to see if I'm doing okay. As usual, the things that you said got me thinking once again. And as usual, you saw through me almost straightaway. At times, your words are the ones that brings me strength to keep me going, you know? That's how important they (you) are to me.

"Don't think so much and look forward and you will realise how time flies"
I really missed you calling me stupid. It felt as though we were back in the past. *calling me stupid when I said that my GPA wasn't good*
"You need to learn to be less paranoid" "And don't overthink"
"That's why must make the effort to improve yourself" "No one is born a certain way"
"Don't always restrict yourself to whom others say you are."
And when I said that 我长大了，you said, "Wah wah" "You say one ar. Make sure you prove it to me. It means maturity, which means emotional stability" Somehow this sentence really got to me. It felt as though you were trying to tell me something.
But then again, you told me not to think about the past. So maybe it's just me overthinking again.
"Good that you are thinking more. You can be emotional, but know how to overcome it."

What I didn't really understand was, why would you ask me to tell you all that I'm feeling if we're really through? And then I realised that you said this to me before, "I want to know what you're going thru" So I guess it's not because of any lingering feelings that you have for me, but more of the thought of wanting to help a friend... (or a sis?) You once said before, that I will never be forgotten by you, and that I'm someone important to you. But I guess it's not in that kinda way, but as a friend... (or a sis, once again) Oh well. What am I expecting? I shouldn't be expecting anything. Furthermore, it's not like I didn't get together with anyone after you. It just made everything even harder for us, to get back together or anything for that matter. We can barely even hold a conversation without any awkwardness.

I'm so tired of all these. So damn tired of thinking about it all day long. But I really can't help it at all. All I want right now is for school to start so that I'll be kept busy and hopefully it'll help keep things off my mind for a little bit. But what I want even more is to have a proper good sleep. It's been so damn long since I've last gotten a good quality sleep. Maybe it's because of my troubled soul...

想你的夜。Goodnight.

Just stalked your bro and his gf on Instagram and I immediately regretted doing so. Why is that so? Because I can't help but to wonder how things would have turned out to be if we are still together now.

5 years ago, I got to know you because we had mutual friends. Looking back, so much has changed. They are no longer people that I talk to or hangout with anymore, even though they may still be considered as my friends. I wonder if your friendship with them has changed over the years, too.

5 years ago, I was still that fat and ugly me. Immature and childish - I was a total kid back then. I can't really remember many things from then, probably because I chose not to remember them. But one thing for sure is, I knew that I hated myself. I hated the thought of being alive. Because things were so tough for me, that all I wanted was to die.

However, I got to know you. You came into my life. I forgot how, but somehow we became really close. You became my brother, my confidant, my everything. Slowly, you became someone really important to me. I don't even know how it happened, but it happened.

Getting back home from school everyday, all I looked forward to doing was to go online on MSN so that I could talk to you. But going online was tough, because my parents were strict as hell. This made me treasure the time we spent talking on MSN even more. I'd try my best to go online just so that I can talk to you, even if that means that I have to quarrel with my parents. You were always online, so it became a norm for me to see you online when I was online. When you were not online, a part of me felt disappointed and all I did was to wait for you to come online. However, at times you didn't come online at all. And that made me felt pretty horrible, I'd say.

I may not remember the other things in detail, but I remember very vividly how we got together. A week before Thanksgiving 2009, which was on the 5th of Sep, I confessed to you. I forgot if it was in person or thru text, but I think it was thru text since I'm someone who wouldn't have the balls to do it in person. I forgot what I said, but I know that on the day of Thanksgiving, which was 12th Sep 2009, we got together. I didn't really know what to feel, I guess? Since it was my very first rs, and it was the very first time someone accepted my feelings for them.

I really can't remember much, but I know that we didn't last for long. 3 months plus was how long our rs lasted. It wasn't long at all. I can't remember what happened, but I know it was my fault. I initiated the breakup. And I forgot why. But I know that I've hurt you badly. Because you really loved me. I really didn't know what I did in my past life to deserve you. Why would you date a girl that was like me? Fat and ugly. When you could've gotten someone better.

A year passed. It was torturing for the both of us. I cried and cried, even though I was the one who caused all of it. You were hurt, and you wanted to die because you lost me. But somehow, we got back together. I forgot when, but I know it was during the end of 2011, when I was in Sec 3. Once again, it only lasted for 3 months plus. I think my rs have a 3-month curse, lol. Anyway, moving on... this time round, I've brought you hurt once again. I've hurt you again and again. But I don't know why you agreed to patch things up with me and to give me another chance. I'm sorry, I really am. I swear it was because I was too young, and too immature to know how to deal with my feelings, that's why. Or maybe not. Maybe it's simply because I'm too damn fickle-minded when it comes to my feelings... Anyway, I am sorry. I really am...

I remember how I used to be angry and upset with you because I thought you didn't love me. I kept thinking to myself, why didn't you hold my hand or do what couples usually do with me when you say that you love me? But I came to know that, you're a true gentleman. Because love shouldn't be determined by physical intimacy. So, so true. It was only when we got back together in 2011 where we finally held hands and hug each other. I still remember where was the first time we held hands... ECP wasn't it? You freaking made me walk to the Bedok Jetty to look for you, and made me walk back when I barely seen you for awhile. Hahahaha, oh well, the foolish things that we do just for the people that we love...

In 2012, I got together with someone else. Even till today, I wasn't sure if I got together with him just to make myself forget about you. In other words, I may have used him just to make myself forget about you. Yea, it may be true. But who would've known... That that rs actually ruined me. It made me lose hope in love, in a way. It made me fear getting into a rs, or even just by developing feelings for a certain someone. Things were horrible, and I don't wanna go into depth about it. But yea, you knew about it. You knew that I got into another rs and you asked me about it. I even talked to you about the problems that I had in the rs.

Who would've thought that we'd meet in JC once again. You were my freaking CG I/C. Was it pure coincidence? Or was it fate? I don't know. And even until today, I still remember what you said to me in the VD card. You said, learn to cherish what you have and not regret it when you lose it. Some things once lost will never be able to retrieve it back anymore.

Yea, I lost you. Because I failed to cherish you. And I regretted after I lost you. And I know I'll never be able to have you back anymore... exactly just like what you told me. Why didn't you tell me earlier...?

Perhaps we were meant for each other. Or maybe not.
可能我们是在错的时间，遇上对的人。。。

The past kept haunting me. I need to be able to break free from it. But I just can't seem to do it. Is this what you're going thru too? Or have you long broke free from all of these? Because it seems that you no longer miss me anymore... And it hurts sometimes.

Am I still tied down by the past because I've yet to get over you, or isit just because of all these memories that I still hold dearly to...? I don't know... I really don't... As much as I miss having you, I can't really imagine us being back together. Too much has changed. You've changed, and I've changed too. I've changed a lot. A whole lot. It feels as though the old me has been dead and I'm no longer who I used to be anymore.

How will we be doing if we are still together? What we feared most back then is happening now - you being in army. But I guess it doesn't matter anymore now, does it? Since we're no longer together anymore, hah. It's sad how I'm no longer the one there for you anymore, even as a friend. Even if I want to, I can't. Even if I want to, I don't know how. We barely even keep in touch anymore. The last time we actually talked talk, was in July. In August, I was even considering if I should wish you happy birthday, which I did. That was the last time we texted. I didn't even get you any present, and I don't even remember when was the last time we met. I really don't know what my heart wants, neither do I know what I really want. I'm always like that, and you knew that. But you tolerated me, and you let me have my way every time. Even though I was the one that bring you hurt, you'd still forgive me every time. I really wonder if you still remember all of these, just like how I remember them. Do you still remember my birthday? Do you still keep the things that I've given you over the years? Every handwritten letter, every gift, everything. Most importantly, the memories. Do you know that I still read your blog from time to time just to make myself remember about the past? Because I don't want to forget. I'm scared that I'll forget. Do you still think of me from time to time, just like how I think about you? I don't know, and I guess I wouldn't know. There's no need for me to know, anyway. I brought all of these upon myself. Saying all of these are of no help, I know. But I guess I'm finally letting myself face and vent out all that pent-up feelings that I've been bottling up deep within me all these while.

Just hope that you're doing fine, my moon. Even though you're no longer mine, you'll always be in my heart, forever in that special place. Forever the same, never changed. I can't say that my love for you has never changed, but at least the memories that we once had together will never change. I loved you, and I still do.

Till the next time we meet again, take care.

Do you know? That whenever that song comes on the radio, it reminds me of you. It reminds me of us. It reminds me of the memories that we had. And it hurts. Even until today, I still get the exact same feeling whenever I hear it. It seems like the wound has never been recovering, and it seems like it never will.

Have I been running away from my feelings, just because I don't want to face it? I think so. Maybe that's why I've never really actually let go of you, yet. Perhaps I've been deceiving myself that I've had, which is why I'm never able to move on.

I really hate it whenever I hear this song by accident. Because it reminds me of way too many things that I don't wanna remember... Especially you.

Do you still remember 我们之间的事? I hope you do. Even if it means nothing to you, please don't forget what we used to have. Because it still means a lot to me...

If I have to choose, you'll be the one and only regret that I ever have so far.

虽然我们之间没什么约定，但是我怎么总觉得这首歌是在说我们之间的故事呢。。。？ 我突然好想你。

“过去的一切，未必会过的去。” ——《妹妹》 第八种悲哀

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human, yeah